Saturday, July 26, 2014

Towel Time

I am sitting here on my patio, post shower in a towel.  I guess it was warmish today, but right now I just don't want clothes and this is as close to nude outside I will get.  But with my hair up and nothing on my shoulders and neck, the slight, easily lost breeze is swirling around my neck and head, bringing some relief to my thought dominated brain.  No ice cream in house.  No whiskey in house. No wine in house. No vodka in house either.  I guess that is good.  I just spent the last hour and half ordering my bathroom and bedroom a bit.  Doing that helps to create order in my mind.  Then as a wonderful friend said...Nicole...take a cool shower.  Wash the week off of you.  It will help.  She is right that ritual does have power to me.  However....I need to probably shower for a week to get rid of the last six months worth of thought build up.

I have not sat down and written anything of substance or reflection in months.  The thoughts are piling up.  There are so many ideas I want to write about but I have spent my time, mostly working.  Then, of what is left, by my choice, taking care of many I love.  I have no regrets about being there for those I love.  Phrase labor of love comes to mind.  Yet in this I have chosen (yes it has in reality been a choice) to sacrifice the few things that feed me.  The things that make me feel healthy, mentally and physically.  I am now paying that price.  My ocd has flared up again and I have had far to many physical ailments of recent that are forcing me down into short states of inactivity so I can recharge on a very basic level.  Work has been the main culprit to this personal derailment.

I have many separate pieces I wanted to write about for months...

1. Family challenges and changes.  How that can make you question the core of who you are.  How family is so real. So human.  So flawed and yet so loved.  How it can break your heart to see parents in crisis and at a loss to know how to help adult children.  How family members become adults yet we still all operate from this unconscious state of still being children with each other.

2. Thoughts on the concept of Respect.  What exactly does respect mean?

3. Thoughts on the concept of Trust.  What exactly does trust mean? We throw these words around a great deal but have any of us spent the time defining them for ourselves?

4. Thoughts on world events.  How my skeptical, elusive, burgeoning, infantile belief in the idea of hope is struggling to stay alive.  How I have this deep sense of disappointment in people near and far.  

5. Work. My fucked up relationship with work.  Work at the synagogue and work as a whole.

6. My relationship.  The ups and downs of actually being in a loving partnership.  Learning to find my voice. Challenging myself to be a better person and keep growing and being honest.

7. My son. Oh man. my son.  Thurston.  Thurston leaves on Wednesday for away camp for 15 days. I am elated and terrified all at the same time.  Think I might write at this moment about him.  

Thurston is growing at a tremendous rate.  He is tall (4'8") and handsome.  Loving, funny and thoughtful.  He is going into third grade which is blowing my mind.  He is leaving next week for the grand adventure of Jewish Camp for 15 days.  I am so excited for him.  I am emotionally going back and forth.  Most of my life surrounds making sure that he has the solid environment to be able to grow and learn about life.  We have never been apart from each other for more than 5 days and that has only happened once. I keep going from incredibly excited to having to hide my tears as I feel like I might already be missing him.  I refuse to put my known insecurities on him when this is the type of thing that people talk about shaping them as a adults and times they long to have again.  I feel good about this experience for him and I love the community, feel confident of the camp and the people who work there.  If it weren't for the fact that I work in the Jewish Community and know some of these people, it would be probably even harder, so I feel grateful and lucky to have this sort of tie that can bring me comfort.

So now, even though the majority of it was written last evening on the patio in a towel, listening to the same 5 songs over ( I said my ocd has sadly ramped back up a bit) is now Saturday morning with a kid to feed, errands to run and all the usual Saturday shenanigans).  So I say adieu for the moment.  Hopefully in the upcoming couple of weeks I will be able to find time to write again and feed my soul a bit.