Tuesday, July 14, 2015

Futility

Yesterday felt surreal all day. I couldn't wrap my head around it.  I clung to the small bits and pieces that felt solid and coherent. Then near midnight while looking thru facebook, let's just say, I found the disturbance in the force. A friend had committed suicide. When I put all the pieces together it jarred me to my core, and I found it was more upsetting than I thought I would. I felt confused.  It wasn't a situation where we had been best friends, or talked everyday. She was a friend who's company i periodically enjoyed and even occasionally had minor conflicts with, that resolved fairly quickly and easily. She was a good person. A loving person. Like so many of us, she also had troubles. Troubles that seem to have gotten the best of her. Why do we say that? The "best?" Maybe her troubles got the scared her? Or the weak part of her? I do not say weak to be judgemental. We all have weakness and intusive thoughts which only we know, in our dark hidden places, and how insidious and devestating they can be. I am so troubled by the fact she texted me the same evening she took her life. There was nothing that should have told me this was coming. She had asked (texted) me a question and I responded. Simply a quick & easy dialogue. Perhaps her asking if she had upset me should have told me something. But it didn't. Nor did the following text expressing relief and gratitude that i was not angry at her. My final response, as i was rushing & distracted on my side, had been simply been a thumbs up emoji. Maybe i should have sent a hug or a heart? I thought it was simply another quick text exchange. Not the last time I would talk to her. When i was laying here in bed last night putting all of these pieces together...it freaked me the fuck out. Life has no guarantees. Life has no handbook. Yah, I am  Jewish, but I am also modern and don't view the Torah quite in that way. No guarantees, no handbook, no definitives. None. Talk about the beginning of intrusive thoughts.  I am laying here again, this time after a day of not being really able to leave the house. My boys all with me, all day. Trying to focus on the present. So I will continue to try to focus on the present until i can drift off to sleep. My bed is comfortable. The sheets are clean. The twinkly lights are glowing colors thru the bedroom. Chris' phone is playing a Brian Jonestown Massacre station. His ipad is glowing while he reads his stuff, and points out funny or intriguing bits . The cats are napping at the foot of my bed and Thurston is sleeping safe & well in his room. All is ok. This is the best I can do in this world, in this moment. There are no guarntees and only the present of today. Besides what is tomorrow but another today?



Rest in peace Leann.